On Being With My Thoughts

Thursday, 17 April 2025, 3:33 PM

I used to think that I was fine being on my own. I used to think I don’t get bored alone. I used to think I don’t get lonely.

But I realized that I am actually unable to ever really be alone with my thoughts. I always have a playlist in my AirPods, I’m always listening to something. I’m always listening to other people’s podcasts, songs and reviews.

I took a walk around my neighborhood today, it felt weird being outside without my dog. Even before she passed away I felt like I had no business ever being outside without her. Walking the streets we used to walk together still makes me sad. Walking paths we didn’t get to walk together makes me even sadder.

I’m just constantly consuming other people. Truth is I don’t even know how to be alone. Writing is a cathartic process for me, I feel like it’s just me and the thoughts just come out. I miss you. I don’t want to be alone. But I’m scared of missing you even more. Whenever I’m alone with my thoughts I just get sad and upset. No one is better at making me upset than I am.

I know I should work on being on my own more. It’s weird for me how I feel like I’ve always been on my own but I still don’t know how to do it properly.

I want to be at peace with myself. I’m done with raging wars on myself and my thoughts.

I will make an effort to be kinder. So you be kind too.