On Vanity

16.04.2025, Wednesday, 6:15pm

Is it incredibly vain of me to do things just so you’ll find me beautiful?

When I do my hair the way you like, just so you’ll find me pretty?

When I put on an outfit I know you will think is cool?

When I send you pictures so you would send compliments back my way? And tell me how pretty you find me?

Is that incredibly vain of me?

When I’m constantly thinking about how you might perceive me—

how you could, would, or will see me?

I’m so sick of thinking.

To live is to be perceived.

To be perceived is to be watched.

And being watched changes you quite a bit.

When you know you’re being watched, you stand up a little straighter, you smile a little different.

A smile that’s just a little forced.

To be perceived is to pose.

To pose is to curate your own image.

And I’m so tired of curating. Tired of being watched. Tired of performing.

I want to smile without thinking if my smile is crooked.

I want to wear clothes without wondering if my stomach is showing.

Was I always like this? Was I always thinking like this?

Was I free from these thoughts when I was younger?

Was I trained to think like this when they told me girls aren’t supposed to get dirty? When they told me I need to fix my hair?

In my second year of university I was wearing foundation every single day, so that others wouldn’t notice my acne.

I wasted so much time getting ready every morning. I was getting ready for nothing every single day. I was not living or doing anything really. I was just preparing to be looked at.

Will I ever be free from vanity?

I’m already beautiful -

so naturally I should strive to be even more beautiful, right?

I should do everything in my power to acquire even more beauty.

Beauty is an investment in yourself.

Beauty is pain.

Beauty is subjective and cannot be measured. What a bunch of lies.